Octopussssssssssss...

Spent the day on 4th Street in Berkeley with the Lunch Ladies making an octopus in John McRae's Magical Octopus class at Castle in the Air. If you are into making crafts, or just like to look at weird fairy-tale stuff, Castle in the Air is a grand place to go.

Now I am home ofter a hard day's work making objects with lots of glue and glitter, and my new octopus is apparently trying to eat my laptop. It must like antiques.

Oh, and I went an had a beer with Jen, and then we walked up Piedmont Ave and drifted into Mr Green Bubble, a new bubble tea place with very helpful people who gave us free cake and two bubble teas for one with our purchase of spicy deep-fried calamari for $3.99. Everything was delicious, but in retrospect I have to say that to any self-respecting gourmand eating those items together would be anathema.

Mr Green Bubble has been open less than a week. I recommend them. Also, they are open until 12 on weekends, so I bet they will be a beacon of light to all the drunks who totter out of the bars in the late evening and can't get a table at Dopo...

Ratpossum Horror

Stumbled out of bed this morning at 7 am to do laundry because I had no clothes to wear & couldn't leave the house... half asleep, loading clothes into the washer, and a big old ratpossum ran over my foot.

I didn't scream like a girl. No, I am not like that. Critters don't make me squeamish, and I don't climb on top of a chair when I see a mouse.

However, being startled when half asleep is a different story. So instead of screaming like a girl, I screamed like a Hollywood starlet in a B-grade slasher flick having her head sawed off with a rusty hacksaw.

Sustained chain-screaming at top volume:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaah!

After that I was fully awake, and so were my neighbors. The woman from two doors down was peeking through her curtains, fearing a home invasion or something. We waved at each other:

ME WAVING: "I'm OK! Just a murderous ratpossum attacking my slippers with its feet as it tries to run away!"

HER WAVING: "OK! I won't call 911!"

Why am I calling it a ratpossum? because I am not absolutely sure what it was--either a large, white rat, or a young opossum. I'm leaning toward opossum because its tail felt prehensile when it slithered over my foot.

Really?

I don't know what to say... how was Kaiser Permanente able to pinpoint so precisely my feelings about my annual exam?

The Brave Little Dildo

Poor little black silicone dildo, lying abandoned in the gutter outside my workplace, alone and forlorn, and thrashed from being run over by cars... if you could speak, I wonder what sort of stories you would tell? Like a modern-day Tin Soldier, no doubt you had many a strange adventure before arriving in this sad position.

I mean, once somebody loved you (at least enough to spend money on you) and held you close through the long dark nights. But years passed by, and now you have been cast out into the cold, hard world.

So there you were yesterday, in front of the highly respected (and only slightly stuffy) graduate school where I work. And still there in the morning, having spent the night alone, which I am sure you are not used to!

For a while during the afternoon, someone set you jauntily upright on the sidewalk, and I had some amusement watching people's double takes as they walked by. But when I left for the day, you had been kicked out into the street (hopefully not by someone wearing open-toed shoes.)

I wonder what will become of you?

UPDATE: This morning I came to work and someone had helpfully put a futon in the street next to the brave little dildo...

Slo-mo fall

Took a tumble today going through my front door carrying scissors and extremely prickly roses. The toe of my flip flop caught on the threshold and then I was very sloooowly falling down toward my music stand, which would be quite painful if I landed on it so I go "YYYYYAAAAAUUUGHGHGhhhhhhhblllh!" and sort of flop to the side a little and land on the arm of my couch instead, pushing it into the middle of the room and knocking over both the music stand with all the music on it and the end table, similarly covered with music because I've been practicing for the next Ukaladies gig.

When I got up, it looked as if a tornado had swept through my tiny studio, but I think some of that mess was already there. Like the garbage can in the middle of the room. I promise you I had just pulled it out from under the sink a few minutes before, I don't keep it in the middle of my apartment. And there were umbrellas all over the place because I use them to keep my dog from hanging out on the furniture while snacking on her privates.

Got up, brushed myself off, promised my neighbor (who had, humiliatingly, witnessed the whole thing) that I was just fine, and cleaned my house. Which looks fabulous now! So there is a happy ending... plus, miraculously I did not stab myself or anyone else with the scissors, nor did I shred anything with the numerous sharp thorns encrusting the roses.

Wow, what a fabulous belt!!

Beer definitely make me a better shopper.

What to Do if a Meteorite Lands in Your Back Yard

1) Run around screaming. Do not stop until you hyperventilate and begin to stagger.

2) Call your best friend and run around screaming. A lot. Continue until your friend is hysterical as well. Hang up before actually informing her of the meteorite in your yard.

3) Eventually wind down and decide to take a look at the meteorite before alerting the media. It could be something other than a hurtling slab of molten hot space matter—for example, a frozen chunk of excreta dropped from a jetliner, which would be potentially embarrassing on the 7 o’clock news.

4) Approach with caution. It could be radioactive, or very hot. Poke it with a stick. If the stick does not turn green or burst into flames, then it’s OK to touch. As an extra precaution, use a brown stick rather than a green stick. This can prevent confusion as to the amount of rads emitting from the meteorite. (i.e. if the stick is already green, you won’t be able to tell when it acquires a greenish plutonium glow.)

5) Once you have poked it with your stick, extend one index finger and apprehensively touch the meteorite. Immediately jump back again with a small shriek.

6) Touch it again. Try to lift it. If it is too heavy to lift, it may be a Solid Gold Space Nugget. If this is the case, do not alert CNN or Ted Koppel—keep it secret so that you can fudge your earnings when you file taxes for the year.

7) If it is NOT gold, alert CNN. Call Larry King and Ted Koppel. What the heck, call SETI while you’re at it; after all, the meteorite could be a gift sent by a secret admirer from outer space.

8) Hope that the meteorite will not turn you into radioactive plant matter like in the movie Creepshow.

9) Wonder why so many Stephen King movies are irredeemably awful. Recall that Stephen King himself played the part of the overalled country bumpkin who turned into Outer Space Plant Matter when he found a meteorite. Decide that Stephen King should really stick to writing books.

10) See if Larry King will take you on a dinner date in exchange for an exclusive. You deserve it!


Some Uses for the Back Yard Meteorite:

1) If it is made of gold, you’re rich! Just remember to keep it secret, or everyone will want some, including the federal government.

2) If it is made of plutonium, don’t touch it. Find some scientist friends to make it into a bomb and become your own nuclear power.

3) If it is made of kryptonite, and you are not Superman, use it to subdue Superman and then take over the world.

4) If it is made of iron, or nickel, it’s not really good for anything except freaking out your friends. Use it as a doorstop, or a block for your tire when parking in San Francisco.

Per the Suggestion of Tiffky Doofy, we now offer a brand NEW list: What to Do with the Impact Crater Created by Your Back Yard Meteorite:


1) Fill it with water from your garden hose and make a fish pond. If the meteorite turns out to be made of uranium or other unstable heavy elements, you could become the founder of a new species or even genera of fish.

2) Use it to bury your garbage. Just think, with a spade and a little elbow grease, you can save $12 in dump fees! No waiting for Garbage Amnesty Day.

3) Build a bomb shelter. This can double as a wine cellar if you have money, a root cellar if you don’t, or a BDSM dungeon if you have no money and want to get some.

Afterword

Now the thing about meteorites is that they’re not on any kind of set schedule. So don’t worry about it too much! You can’t spend every night with your head tilted back, eyeing the stars and trying to figure out which one is going to swoop down and smack you in the noggin. All you can really do is just stay prepared for any eventuality, and maybe wear a hardhat.

What Happened in the last 8 months?

Um...lotsa stuff!

I improved my uke skills & am now practicing with a group of 3 other players, Julia, Karen, and Carla. Whee! Words can't express how nice it is to be able to play music with other people after years of just practicing on my own.

My hair got better.

I put in a succulent garden in the back yard.

Jossie, Jason, Jake & Jonah moved to Alameda. I miss them!

Rose started meeting more other dogs, and is continuing to improve her social skills. Also she loves her red ball. Which is now a yellow ball.

I tried wearing high heels for a few months, and have now given it up as a bad idea, since I am not actually fond of crippling pain. Oh, and I stubbed my right pinky toe really really bad and have only been able to wear flip-flops for the last month or so.

And probably some other stuff has happened, but I forget what.

Whut?

I was thinking today that there are a lot of things I would like to do if only I could get off my butt long enough to do them...everything from going back to horseback riding to jumping out of an airplane (though to be honest I don't actually want to jump out of an airplane but it sounds nice and extreme.)

I'd like to bake some cookies.

I'd like to move to the beach.

I'd like to drive a car.

And then there are things that I am going to do--there is no doubt, I did them yesterday, I will likely do them again tomorrow or some time soon: eat breakfast, go to work, buy new clothes, take out the trash. Walk the dog (she is so cute!)

The thing is I am wondering now if it is time to convert some of the things I want to do into some of the things I am going to do?

Oooh, I can feel myself oozing into sluggish apathy at the very thought. Time to take a nap.

The picture is of Jelly, my friend Karen's dog. He is named after the famous jazz pianist and composer Jelly Roll Morton.

Glimpses

Tuesday, walking from work to the bus stop--there's a group of little Japanese maples, their bare brown twigs jeweled with drops of rainwater. I know it's a cliche, but still totally gorgeous.

Then on the way to the store, a girl darted by me. I just saw her from the corner of my eye, grave elfin face framed by perfectly straight light red shoulder length hair, all at a slant as she hurried off to wherever.

Late at night, walking Rose, we passed by two women involved in some quiet, intense conversation, Eastern European accents, heads leaning together as they walk down Monte Vista. One woman's perfume was a burst of Narcissus, followed by the smell of a dentist's office. ???, I thought. Oh yeah, she smells like novocaine.

Then I realized the tip of my tongue was numb. Very odd airborne novocaine-narcissus perfume.

The Amazing Disappearing, Reappearing, Disappearing Hilltroll

Well here I am again.

Coming up on the horizon is Pantheacon, where I work the registration desk every year. For those of you who don't know about p-con, it is a gathering of Pagans and other weirdos to go to workshops about religion and magic, and also don outrageous drag and attend wild rituals and balls. It's on Presidents' Day Weekend every year for the last 14 years.

I will get there a day early so as to attend the staff meeting on Thursday night, which means that it will be Feb 14--you guessed it, Valentine's Day!! Since last year I missed my chance to do the Bittersweet Valentine Sad Love Song Sing-Along...I figure this is my chance to make it up! I have had a lot of time to practice songs and get better on my uke, so I am pretty excited. Here is my tentative song list, and I hope if you can think of additional songs you will write in! The more sentimental and over-the-top the better. So in no particular order:

Plaisir D'Amour
Love Hurts by Nazareth
Love Stinks by J Geils Band
Ring of Fire--Johnny Cash
Hopelessly Devoted to You-Olivia Newton John
I've Heard the Tearstained Monologue You Do there by the Door Before You Go--William Mason
Your Cheatin Heart--Hank Williams
Banks of the Ohio (traditional)
Banks of the River (Stanley Brothers--hey, does anyone know how to get the chords for this?)
One (Is the Loneliest Number that You'll Ever know)--3 Dog Night
Landslide (Stevie Nicks)
I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor)
You Suck (Ais Harvey)
Against All Odds (Phil Collins)
Yesterday (Beatles)
Tainted Love (Soft Cell--I also need chords for this one if anyone has them)
Cries for No One (Beatles)
Below in the Valley (Brahms)
If I Loved You (Rodgers & Hammerstein)
I Ain't Missin You (Tyler Hilton)
Sandy (John Travolta)
Unchained Melody (Righteous Brothers)
Oh Darling (Beatles)
Tear in my Beer (Hank Williams)
Crazy (Patsy Cline)
St Louis Blues (I think this is traditional, that or Gershwin)

Still Waiting

Perhaps I should have referred to my previous list as Predilictions for 2008, rather than predictions. Here's what is actually happening so far:
1. Threw my back out on Jan 1 trying to demo a hip hop move for my mom.
2. Decided grocery shopping is a waste of time after purchasing crumpets at Trader Joe's.
3. No one is interested in slidewalks as a form of transportation except me but while I was looking for someone who and is not a sci-fi nerd I found this guy who is pretty funny.
4. I have lost my interest in TV. I will miss all my new TV friends, but it's probably for the best.
5. Remembered what PGAPTA means.
6. No one reads my blog anymore since I stopped posting for 5 months.
7. Got a free show at work yesterday: 5 agitated co-workers bobbing around my desk at a quarter to 5, waving their arms around after getting stirred up by the uberboss. I was astounded at my aplomb! Suddenly I am unflappable.

Year of the Troll Top Ten Premonitions

Hilltroll's premonitions for 2008 include:

1. Increase in tree-planting, organic gardening, and nature-based spiritualism.
2. Less TV, more books.
3. Less cars, more bikes, legs, and those annoying little scooters that I always see kids on and think they are going to veer into traffic
4. Popularity of gnomes will peak and then dwindle as people tire of the Travelocity ad campaign and their obvious theft of the gnome theme from the movie Amelie.
5. With the end of gnomish world cultural domination will come the day of the troll! Troll dolls shall abound! A trollish renaissance will light the fires of creative genius and inspire a new world order!
6. The whole world will at last realize the genius of John Bauer.
7. More butter. I like butter. This will be butter from nicely-treated cows.
8. More peace.
9. Less commuting.
10. Slidewalks.

Woo Hoo!

My connection is back up! PGAPTA.

Reminder to self:

First shoes, then pants.

Biscuits

I ate five of them for breakfast this morning.

Urp.

Short and Tall, we've got em all

Yesterday while waiting for the bus so I could go see my therapist I saw this guy cycling up Broadway on his recumbent bike reeeeaaaalllyyy sloooooowwwllyy. His head was about 2 feet above the ground, and since he was in the right-turn lane and it's a busy road, cars kept pulling partway into the lane, finally spotting the diminutive fella, and stopping short.

At his slow, sluglike pace (I kept waiting for him to fall over), he reached the light just as it turned green, and then accelerated rapidly, whizzing thru the intersection and zipping off to places unknown. I guess he was going slow so the light would change before he got to the intersection because if he had to stop, then he would have to unlatch his feet from the pedals since he's in those special bike shoes that are great for attaching you to your bike except for those times when you don't really want to be attached and then there you are, stuck on your bike as it topples over slowly and you topple with it feeling like an idiot.

Which put me in mind of the Tall Bike Riders, whom I have seen a couple of times now in Berkeley, riding way up above the ground on their modified bikes. The first time I saw one I couldn't figure out how they would stop for a light without falling over; would they have to jump off, and then find a stepladder once the light changed?

Jen assured me that tall bike riders would just go across town without stopping until they reach their destination. I should have a punchline of some sort here, but can't think of one. But keep your eyes open for the tall bike riders! Because not only are they interesting, artistic, and cool, they also apparently don't stop at stop signs. Ok, I guess that was my punchline.

So much, all the time

Went to McNear's beach today in San Rafael, with Jossie and her kids, Jake and Jonah; I haven't been there since I was about 10 or 11. Jossie's family used to take me there back in the old days, and we always had a great time, swimming in the pool, or walking way, way out on the mud flats until we started to panic & had to head back.

It's nice to go there as a grown up too, even though the tide was in & we couldn't walk out on the mud. We ate Fritos and pbj sandwiches, drank iced tea, and relaxed with the kids. Aaah.

Obviously, this picture was not taken at the beach, but it from the tea party I held several weeks ago. Everybody who came was absolutely fabulous, it was a great group of people, and we all got hyped up on tea and sugary cupcakes with strawberry buttercream frosting, and then the party segued into a sing-along and we all sang a number of songs really well, and then sang "I Will Survive" with great gusto but little accuracy. We also sang "Unchained Melody," and I got to play Linda a song I wrote for her!

It was a fabulous party.

And a nice day at the beach.

The Golden Compass

OK so maybe this is a little dorky but I am excited that they are making a movie out of one of my favorite books. Actually the first book in a fantasy trilogy comprised of The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, and The Amber Spyglass. The author, Philip Pullman, creates a rich world which I am not going to tell you about because you should go out and read the books yourself.

But I will tell you one thing, which is that in the world of The Golden Compass, all people have daemons, or animal familiars, that are like extensions of themselves. And on the website for the movie you can get your own daemon, based on your personality. Which I have done, and would you-all like a chance to comment? Is this the right daemon for me? Check out my little daemon-blurb in the upper right of this blog.

Website for Philip Pullman: http://www.philip-pullman.com/
Website for the movie: http://www.goldencompassmovie.com/

Looking at Philip Pullman's blog, I see that he has not posted there since January (of which year, I don't know). So now I don't feel so terribly remiss in my laggardly blogging habits. I know, I know, but I won't promise to blog more because that sort of thing always backfires on me!

BTW, this is post number 100. Yay!

Grrrrrr!

I am annoyed right now.