2) Call your best friend and run around screaming. A lot. Continue until your friend is hysterical as well. Hang up before actually informing her of the meteorite in your yard.
3) Eventually wind down and decide to take a look at the meteorite before alerting the media. It could be something other than a hurtling slab of molten hot space matter—for example, a frozen chunk of excreta dropped from a jetliner, which would be potentially embarrassing on the 7 o’clock news.
4) Approach with caution. It could be radioactive, or very hot. Poke it with a stick. If the stick does not turn green or burst into flames, then it’s OK to touch. As an extra precaution, use a brown stick rather than a green stick. This can prevent confusion as to the amount of rads emitting from the meteorite. (i.e. if the stick is already green, you won’t be able to tell when it acquires a greenish plutonium glow.)
5) Once you have poked it with your stick, extend one index finger and apprehensively touch the meteorite. Immediately jump back again with a small shriek.
6) Touch it again. Try to lift it. If it is too heavy to lift, it may be a Solid Gold Space Nugget. If this is the case, do not alert CNN or Ted Koppel—keep it secret so that you can fudge your earnings when you file taxes for the year.
7) If it is NOT gold, alert CNN. Call Larry King and Ted Koppel. What the heck, call SETI while you’re at it; after all, the meteorite could be a gift sent by a secret admirer from outer space.
8) Hope that the meteorite will not turn you into radioactive plant matter like in the movie Creepshow.
9) Wonder why so many Stephen King movies are irredeemably awful. Recall that Stephen King himself played the part of the overalled country bumpkin who turned into Outer Space Plant Matter when he found a meteorite. Decide that Stephen King should really stick to writing books.
10) See if Larry King will take you on a dinner date in exchange for an exclusive. You deserve it!
Some Uses for the Back Yard Meteorite:
1) If it is made of gold, you’re rich! Just remember to keep it secret, or everyone will want some, including the federal government.
2) If it is made of plutonium, don’t touch it. Find some scientist friends to make it into a bomb and become your own nuclear power.
3) If it is made of kryptonite, and you are not Superman, use it to subdue Superman and then take over the world.
4) If it is made of iron, or nickel, it’s not really good for anything except freaking out your friends. Use it as a doorstop, or a block for your tire when parking in San Francisco.
Per the Suggestion of Tiffky Doofy, we now offer a brand NEW list: What to Do with the Impact Crater Created by Your Back Yard Meteorite:
1) Fill it with water from your garden hose and make a fish pond. If the meteorite turns out to be made of uranium or other unstable heavy elements, you could become the founder of a new species or even genera of fish.
2) Use it to bury your garbage. Just think, with a spade and a little elbow grease, you can save $12 in dump fees! No waiting for Garbage Amnesty Day.
3) Build a bomb shelter. This can double as a wine cellar if you have money, a root cellar if you don’t, or a BDSM dungeon if you have no money and want to get some.
Afterword
Now the thing about meteorites is that they’re not on any kind of set schedule. So don’t worry about it too much! You can’t spend every night with your head tilted back, eyeing the stars and trying to figure out which one is going to swoop down and smack you in the noggin. All you can really do is just stay prepared for any eventuality, and maybe wear a hardhat.
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