Octopussssssssssss...

Spent the day on 4th Street in Berkeley with the Lunch Ladies making an octopus in John McRae's Magical Octopus class at Castle in the Air. If you are into making crafts, or just like to look at weird fairy-tale stuff, Castle in the Air is a grand place to go.

Now I am home ofter a hard day's work making objects with lots of glue and glitter, and my new octopus is apparently trying to eat my laptop. It must like antiques.

Oh, and I went an had a beer with Jen, and then we walked up Piedmont Ave and drifted into Mr Green Bubble, a new bubble tea place with very helpful people who gave us free cake and two bubble teas for one with our purchase of spicy deep-fried calamari for $3.99. Everything was delicious, but in retrospect I have to say that to any self-respecting gourmand eating those items together would be anathema.

Mr Green Bubble has been open less than a week. I recommend them. Also, they are open until 12 on weekends, so I bet they will be a beacon of light to all the drunks who totter out of the bars in the late evening and can't get a table at Dopo...

Ratpossum Horror

Stumbled out of bed this morning at 7 am to do laundry because I had no clothes to wear & couldn't leave the house... half asleep, loading clothes into the washer, and a big old ratpossum ran over my foot.

I didn't scream like a girl. No, I am not like that. Critters don't make me squeamish, and I don't climb on top of a chair when I see a mouse.

However, being startled when half asleep is a different story. So instead of screaming like a girl, I screamed like a Hollywood starlet in a B-grade slasher flick having her head sawed off with a rusty hacksaw.

Sustained chain-screaming at top volume:
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaah!

After that I was fully awake, and so were my neighbors. The woman from two doors down was peeking through her curtains, fearing a home invasion or something. We waved at each other:

ME WAVING: "I'm OK! Just a murderous ratpossum attacking my slippers with its feet as it tries to run away!"

HER WAVING: "OK! I won't call 911!"

Why am I calling it a ratpossum? because I am not absolutely sure what it was--either a large, white rat, or a young opossum. I'm leaning toward opossum because its tail felt prehensile when it slithered over my foot.

Really?

I don't know what to say... how was Kaiser Permanente able to pinpoint so precisely my feelings about my annual exam?

The Brave Little Dildo

Poor little black silicone dildo, lying abandoned in the gutter outside my workplace, alone and forlorn, and thrashed from being run over by cars... if you could speak, I wonder what sort of stories you would tell? Like a modern-day Tin Soldier, no doubt you had many a strange adventure before arriving in this sad position.

I mean, once somebody loved you (at least enough to spend money on you) and held you close through the long dark nights. But years passed by, and now you have been cast out into the cold, hard world.

So there you were yesterday, in front of the highly respected (and only slightly stuffy) graduate school where I work. And still there in the morning, having spent the night alone, which I am sure you are not used to!

For a while during the afternoon, someone set you jauntily upright on the sidewalk, and I had some amusement watching people's double takes as they walked by. But when I left for the day, you had been kicked out into the street (hopefully not by someone wearing open-toed shoes.)

I wonder what will become of you?

UPDATE: This morning I came to work and someone had helpfully put a futon in the street next to the brave little dildo...

Slo-mo fall

Took a tumble today going through my front door carrying scissors and extremely prickly roses. The toe of my flip flop caught on the threshold and then I was very sloooowly falling down toward my music stand, which would be quite painful if I landed on it so I go "YYYYYAAAAAUUUGHGHGhhhhhhhblllh!" and sort of flop to the side a little and land on the arm of my couch instead, pushing it into the middle of the room and knocking over both the music stand with all the music on it and the end table, similarly covered with music because I've been practicing for the next Ukaladies gig.

When I got up, it looked as if a tornado had swept through my tiny studio, but I think some of that mess was already there. Like the garbage can in the middle of the room. I promise you I had just pulled it out from under the sink a few minutes before, I don't keep it in the middle of my apartment. And there were umbrellas all over the place because I use them to keep my dog from hanging out on the furniture while snacking on her privates.

Got up, brushed myself off, promised my neighbor (who had, humiliatingly, witnessed the whole thing) that I was just fine, and cleaned my house. Which looks fabulous now! So there is a happy ending... plus, miraculously I did not stab myself or anyone else with the scissors, nor did I shred anything with the numerous sharp thorns encrusting the roses.

Wow, what a fabulous belt!!

Beer definitely make me a better shopper.

What to Do if a Meteorite Lands in Your Back Yard

1) Run around screaming. Do not stop until you hyperventilate and begin to stagger.

2) Call your best friend and run around screaming. A lot. Continue until your friend is hysterical as well. Hang up before actually informing her of the meteorite in your yard.

3) Eventually wind down and decide to take a look at the meteorite before alerting the media. It could be something other than a hurtling slab of molten hot space matter—for example, a frozen chunk of excreta dropped from a jetliner, which would be potentially embarrassing on the 7 o’clock news.

4) Approach with caution. It could be radioactive, or very hot. Poke it with a stick. If the stick does not turn green or burst into flames, then it’s OK to touch. As an extra precaution, use a brown stick rather than a green stick. This can prevent confusion as to the amount of rads emitting from the meteorite. (i.e. if the stick is already green, you won’t be able to tell when it acquires a greenish plutonium glow.)

5) Once you have poked it with your stick, extend one index finger and apprehensively touch the meteorite. Immediately jump back again with a small shriek.

6) Touch it again. Try to lift it. If it is too heavy to lift, it may be a Solid Gold Space Nugget. If this is the case, do not alert CNN or Ted Koppel—keep it secret so that you can fudge your earnings when you file taxes for the year.

7) If it is NOT gold, alert CNN. Call Larry King and Ted Koppel. What the heck, call SETI while you’re at it; after all, the meteorite could be a gift sent by a secret admirer from outer space.

8) Hope that the meteorite will not turn you into radioactive plant matter like in the movie Creepshow.

9) Wonder why so many Stephen King movies are irredeemably awful. Recall that Stephen King himself played the part of the overalled country bumpkin who turned into Outer Space Plant Matter when he found a meteorite. Decide that Stephen King should really stick to writing books.

10) See if Larry King will take you on a dinner date in exchange for an exclusive. You deserve it!


Some Uses for the Back Yard Meteorite:

1) If it is made of gold, you’re rich! Just remember to keep it secret, or everyone will want some, including the federal government.

2) If it is made of plutonium, don’t touch it. Find some scientist friends to make it into a bomb and become your own nuclear power.

3) If it is made of kryptonite, and you are not Superman, use it to subdue Superman and then take over the world.

4) If it is made of iron, or nickel, it’s not really good for anything except freaking out your friends. Use it as a doorstop, or a block for your tire when parking in San Francisco.

Per the Suggestion of Tiffky Doofy, we now offer a brand NEW list: What to Do with the Impact Crater Created by Your Back Yard Meteorite:


1) Fill it with water from your garden hose and make a fish pond. If the meteorite turns out to be made of uranium or other unstable heavy elements, you could become the founder of a new species or even genera of fish.

2) Use it to bury your garbage. Just think, with a spade and a little elbow grease, you can save $12 in dump fees! No waiting for Garbage Amnesty Day.

3) Build a bomb shelter. This can double as a wine cellar if you have money, a root cellar if you don’t, or a BDSM dungeon if you have no money and want to get some.

Afterword

Now the thing about meteorites is that they’re not on any kind of set schedule. So don’t worry about it too much! You can’t spend every night with your head tilted back, eyeing the stars and trying to figure out which one is going to swoop down and smack you in the noggin. All you can really do is just stay prepared for any eventuality, and maybe wear a hardhat.