So this morning I was running late and donning my cute little outfit for the day and I'm like, "Fuck, I have to wear tights again to cover this fucking tattoo."
So I put on black tights and they're really uncomfortable but I'm late, so I just go.
Slowly, the pantyhose became tighter and tighter, until I thought my legs were going to fall right off behind my desk at work, and people would be asking me, "Hey what's that big pool of blood creeping out under your desk," and I'd be, like, "Oh damn, I thought the fucking nylons would hold the blood in, here, wait a second while I pick up my legs from off the floor."
Hate hate hate the pantyhose. I threw that pair out the instant I got home. Vengefully. I think they must have been the l'eggs I bought the other week that were really too small (even though the manufacturer claims they should fit me.)
Hey, pantyhose marketers! Listen up: THEY DON'T FIT.
2 comments:
Every day, because I never learn, I try to put them on when I am still not completely dry from the shower, and *it is impossible*. Himself just stands there and laughs as I struggle & twist ...
My trick is to buy a size larger & if there are wrinkles I just don't care! But yeah, drying off is an important step in the process.
I recently got "I Like You-Hospitality Under the Influence" by Amy Sedaris (her answer to Martha Stewart) and she has a whole chapter on putting on pantyhose. She recommends starting with cotton gloves to avoid snags, and then switching them out for latex or dishwashing gloves to finish pulling them up.
How cruel of himself to laugh-perhaps he should try walking in your hose for a day.
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