When Will Summer Return???

It's not the season right now (and some of you may have read this years ago on my cobwebsite), but I thought this helpful list of uses for an overabundance of zucchini might remind everyone of warmer times, full of vegetables...

So now, here's what you've been waiting for! 101 things to do with zucchini:

Hollow one out, carve it into an ark, sit in it, and wait for the next flood. Wear it as an interesting hat. Plant 100 seeds in a 10 foot plot and pretend you are Poison Ivy, capable of commanding plants to grow with uncontrollable rapidity. Biodegradable butt plug. Baseball bat for use against softball teams with noodle-armed pitchers. Shoes. For men, put in pants to enhance basket. For women, put in bra to get a lot of weird looks.

Zucchini bread. Zucchini jam. Zucchini cake. Zucchini salad. Zucchini soup. Zucchini, zucchini, zucchini. Offer as a sacrifice to the Gods in hopes of gettting more tomatoes and less zucchini next year. Wield in clublike manner to discourage nighttime raids by ravenous raccoons and amorous opossums. Scare cats. Deploy as targets for knife-throwing practice. Drop from high buildings as part of a scientific study of spattered pulp. Footrest. Bolster. You can carve one into a stool or night table if you let it get big enough. Use to beat the crap out of next year's zuke plants before they have a chance to bear fruit. Use as rollers to re-grade your road. Dry out for firewood. Build a log cabin.

Zucchini cupcakes. Zucchini pudding. Baked zucchini. Fried zucchini. Boiled zucchini. Rotisserie zucchini. Zucchini casserole. Zucchini and salmon roe profiteroles. Zucchini and lark's tongue in aspic. Glue your fingers together with oozing zuke sap, then wave your hands around like flippers. Put a zucchini on adjacent bus seat so no one sits next to you; and should someone try anyway, engage in lively conversation with your zucchini until he goes away. Dress it in a swaddling cloth, pretend it's your baby, and look straight through anyone who dares to ask why you are nursing a large green vegetable. Put wheels on one and ride it around town singing until you form an impromptu parade.