Stuff in the Mail: So Many Exciting Things

Got my divorce papers in the mail this week & need to sign them and mail them back. Well, not the official divorce papers, but whatever stuff they send to start with. A summons to appear in court May 31. And the thing I have to sign is a Notice of Receipt. They are sitting on top of the dog kennel. I will mail it real soon.

I also rec'd an advance copy of Joshua James Keels' anthology, Such a Pretty Face, a collection of short stories for young adults about beauty and its various postmodern ramifications. I really enjoyed reading it, and here are a few comments which will hopefully illustrate why:

1. I am so stoked that my close personal friend JJ Keels is on the road to the fame and fortune he so richly deserves. OK, the anthology might not actually be defined by the general public as being "his," but to me it is. His story is titled "Ape," and you should all go buy the book if you want to find out more. Or borrow it from me, but you have to put down a hefty cash deposit and turn the pages with tongs because hello, it's a signed advance copy of a first edition.

2. Youth these days need to understand that beauty is not only skin-deep, it's in the media, too. I mean to say that the stories are complex, rooted in a variety of realities, and not subject to simplistic problem/solution formats with annoyingly obvious morals that make you want to shoot up a bunch of heroin now.

3. Variety of authors and styles, all of them interesting & well-written, not a dud in the bunch.

4. BTW, I recently discovered that a chapbook that Shua wrote and I helped illustrate way back in December of 1990 is ensconced in the Cal Poly library. Don't believe me? It is called My fear of food and other delicacies.

Other things I am reading right now:

The Fifth Elephant, by Terry Pratchett who is very funny and has a lot of t's in his last name.

I Like You, by Amy Sedaris-a full color book on hospitality and party-throwing for people under the influence. I am laughing like a water buffalo the whole time I read. I keep having to put it down for fear of permanent hysteria.

I just finished Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon, which I thought I had already read, and I picked it up for a friend at the Salvation Army, and then I realized that I had never read it, or if I did I was drunk because I have no memory of anything from that novel. Which is like having a new lease on life, as I adore her books and thought I had read everything in print except for the romances from her early writing days, re-published now that she is famous.

Important Musicians of the Latter 20th century

Just wanted to let people know the importance of Billy Squier. Bobaloo thinks so too.

Thursday Knitting Nite

Tonight was the knitting circle at my place but since it was just Linda & I this week, it was really more of a line than a circle...

I discovered that knitting complex lace patterns while keeping up a conversation is not possible for me. So I put down the lace scarf project (see pic in my earlier entry about UFO's)& began a swatch for a new hat, which I will give to myself. (It seems as if most of my best projects get given away to other people. But no more! I will start giving them to me, instead.)

My "e" button on my keyboard is starting to give out; I kep writing things like "wek," "kep," and "feding."

More Hair

I spent 45 minutes blow-drying my hair this morning. It looked nice, but my head got very very hot. Contemplating baldness...or perhaps a hat.

BTW it looked nice, but still frizzy.

Troll Hair

Spent another day today wondering why my hair doesn't look like Nicole Kidman's. I mean, I know she probably has 5 hairstylists following her around all the time, but I should think that 1 troll lady could do the work of a half-dozen hairstylists, no problem.

Jen says I am obsessing over my hair and no one notices the frizz, but the point is that I notice it. It's frizzy! It goes every which way! It snaggles and tangles and gets stuck under my collar and I don't notice until much later! And it seems sometimes as if everyone in the world has more control over their hair than I do. Plus the greying thing, which I can't bring myself to do anything about since I know I could never commit to paying the big bucks to get it dyed every 6 weeks.

All I want is for my hair to look like a Pantene ad, dammit!

What's a troll to do?

Night on the Townish

Just got back to the Troll Hole after going to the Epic Arts Tea House to see Loretta Lynch for the first time...Jen has been lauding them for ages and at last I got a chance to see what all the fuss was about.

Loretta Lynch is mixed acoustic/electric country type music with an urban, East Bay, feminist slant. 3 women and 1 guy. The three women sing vocals with harmonizing parts, and they all have gorgeous voices that are distinctly different from each other and yet blend marvelously. Plus they play guitar, bass, mandolin, washboard, and switch out their instruments between songs, depending on what they are playing. I loved the playlist, which included "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowgirls," an extremely sad version of "Bad Things Happen" (I was nearly in tears) and this amazing, amazing song called "Santa Muerte" which just knocked my socks off.

Also playing was Hollertown, a two-person band, led by a woman with an absolutely incredible voice, plus she played guitar and mandolin, and the other band member played electric guitar and banjo. (I wish he played banjo for more than one song!) I signed up on their email list and couldn't help but recognize the email address of the person who had signed up before me, though she wasn't at the show tonight. You may be able to guess who this was if I give you a hint or two: she had "goo" in her address, and her first name starts with an L.

Troll Valentine

I am evolving an idea for Valentine's Day...since at this point I doubt I'll have a date, perhaps I'll host a get-together:

Bittersweet Valentines Love Song Sing-Along

With sad/bitter/angry/funny love songs for people to sing to! Nancy has already said she'll help out by playing a 2nd ukulele, and maybe others could bring along songs to share & acoustic intruments to play...

Tentative Playlist:

Love Hurts
Love Stinks
I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry
Tainted Love
Your Cheatin' Heart
Plasir D'Amour
Wild World
Once More
You've Really Got a Hold on Me

I'd love to hear from anyone who has some good songs to suggest. I'm not planning this as a singles-only, couples excluded kind of thing...but since most couples are obligated to have a romantic dining experience on Valentine's, it might be all singles by default.

Don't Tell Anyone

I like to read through my old blog entries & laugh at my own jokes.

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cold Medication

Went to the drugstore today for cough medicine, and as it turns out I got a hair straightener because they have these new ones with ceramic plates that aren't supposed to thrash hair and they cost a zillion bucks for a good one but I said fuggit & got one on sale at Long's Drugs: $19.99 after rebate. Plus it comes with these really cool warning labels & safety instructions. I think my favorite is #6: Never use while sleeping.

Being sick is really boring, and I am about ready to freak out.

Yesterday I went to Tumble & Tea with Joss, Gavan, all their kids, and Nancy. (Tumble & Tea is this cafe with a big, fun play area for little kids so parents can lounge about while their children do stuff.) I had a good time despite the fact that an earlier coughing fit had sent my back into muscular spasms so that whenever I bent over or sat down or stood up I would say things like "Guuhhruughh! Jesus f*ing Christ!"

There was a cute guy working the counter & I mentioned to Gavan that I thought so & THEN she took things into her own hands & wandered off, found him, told him that one of her friends thought he was cute-& when he said he was flattered but already had a girlfriend, she identified me as the woman in the fuzzy purple hat. ?!? He obligingly said that he thought I was cute also, and gave Gavan his card to pass on because he was in a band & maybe I could come and watch a show sometime at Tumble & Tea (I'm guessing this is at night, without kids?) I'm not sure what that was supposed to mean, but here are some possible expansions: 1. Here's my card, I'm with a girlfriend but maybe I'm interested anyway since I'm a low-down, two-timing so-and-so. 2. I'm taken but one of my bandmates is hard up. 3. I'm a nice guy and also I am trying to drum up a bigger audience & promote my band. 4. This is someone else's card & I'm trying to get rid of you.

In all honesty, I think #3 is the most likely possiblity, because he seemed like a nice guy. Note to self: never mention cute guys to Gavan unless I am ready to be outed. So for example, not when I am sick with a cold and dressed like a slob. . . it's nice to be 38, because if I was 17 I would probably be permanently mortified. But it was very sweet of Gavan to try to help out.

When Will Summer Return???

It's not the season right now (and some of you may have read this years ago on my cobwebsite), but I thought this helpful list of uses for an overabundance of zucchini might remind everyone of warmer times, full of vegetables...

So now, here's what you've been waiting for! 101 things to do with zucchini:

Hollow one out, carve it into an ark, sit in it, and wait for the next flood. Wear it as an interesting hat. Plant 100 seeds in a 10 foot plot and pretend you are Poison Ivy, capable of commanding plants to grow with uncontrollable rapidity. Biodegradable butt plug. Baseball bat for use against softball teams with noodle-armed pitchers. Shoes. For men, put in pants to enhance basket. For women, put in bra to get a lot of weird looks.

Zucchini bread. Zucchini jam. Zucchini cake. Zucchini salad. Zucchini soup. Zucchini, zucchini, zucchini. Offer as a sacrifice to the Gods in hopes of gettting more tomatoes and less zucchini next year. Wield in clublike manner to discourage nighttime raids by ravenous raccoons and amorous opossums. Scare cats. Deploy as targets for knife-throwing practice. Drop from high buildings as part of a scientific study of spattered pulp. Footrest. Bolster. You can carve one into a stool or night table if you let it get big enough. Use to beat the crap out of next year's zuke plants before they have a chance to bear fruit. Use as rollers to re-grade your road. Dry out for firewood. Build a log cabin.

Zucchini cupcakes. Zucchini pudding. Baked zucchini. Fried zucchini. Boiled zucchini. Rotisserie zucchini. Zucchini casserole. Zucchini and salmon roe profiteroles. Zucchini and lark's tongue in aspic. Glue your fingers together with oozing zuke sap, then wave your hands around like flippers. Put a zucchini on adjacent bus seat so no one sits next to you; and should someone try anyway, engage in lively conversation with your zucchini until he goes away. Dress it in a swaddling cloth, pretend it's your baby, and look straight through anyone who dares to ask why you are nursing a large green vegetable. Put wheels on one and ride it around town singing until you form an impromptu parade.

Space-Filler: UFOs, Begone!

I feel a need to make another entry just so that picture of OJ isn't right up at the top anymore. Yuck.

So let's talk about UFOs. Knitting UFOs, not spaceman vehicles...you know, UnFinished Objects. As in, "I have ten UFOs sitting in my knitting basket, and I haven't even looked at them for months." But actually there are only 6 in there, each with its own dull little yarn of how I lost interest or lost the materials/ time/ interest/ pattern.

I won't tell tales because I have a better plan: I am going to finish these projects no matter what it takes. Though some of the scarves may end up a little short. I have decided to start with the guitar strap (ukulele strap, really) since it's nearly done, anyhow. If you're wondering, the strap is the skinny, twisted one that looks like a pink & purple worm. After that, I think I'll finish the Frankensweater (and I'm hoping the Thursday night crew will help me figure out what to do with the neckline). And then, who knows?

In other news, I have the most abominable cold EVER. Hack, hack, sneeze, wheeze, and my brain has been non-functional ever since Friday morning, when my sinuses took over & started running the show. Pity me. Jossie has it, too, as does Nancy. And many other people. apparently.

So F&*%ing Crazy

(Note: I had his pic up here but took it off because his smiling face made me feel sick.)
Can I just mention for a moment here what a freaking psychopath OJ Simpson is? I know this is a little bit post-the-big-news-blitz about his extra extra creepy book "How I Woulda Killed Her if I Did but I Didn't, Really," but it's in the news again because Newsweek is going to publish excerpts. Just in case anyone thought Newsweek was news & not trash...

Now they know better.

Really, really repugnant. Just thought I'd share.

Creep. There are no words.

This year will be . . . different

Yesterday I held an open house for New Year's Day & invited everyone over for cake and hot chocolate. How lovely to hang out and your friends all come over for a visit on the same day; much more relaxing than throwing a party.

Rose did really really well with the guests and only barked and growled a few times; overall I think she enjoyed the company. She got to put her slimy red rubber ball on lots of people.

Heather & Mary came over, and so did JoAnna & Devin, my mother, Jake (Jake came over a lot; I suppose it's part of being 3 and living next door. And wanting more sweets.), Jossie, Nancy, Gavan, Jason (for about 5 seconds while he wolfed down a piece of cake), Jen, Tricia, Linda (but not Bernie because alas, he was ill), Niki & Renata, and, and...I forget who else, but it was really nice seeing everyone.

The cake was All-Occasion Downy Yellow Butter Cake and the frosting Apricot Buttercream, and it tasted so wonderful that I'm afraid to use adjectives lest someone think I am writing porn.

It was also my birthday but I didn't mention that part to people when I invited them. But they figured it out anyway. It's not as if I don't want to get older or anything, I don't mind that at all, and in a lot of ways I welcome and look forward to maturing more and more. I don't know why I didn't tell people. I guess the best oversimplification would be to say that I didn't want it to be a party about me, but more a party about everybody; just hanging out and yakking about whatever & enjoying each other's company.

Plus when you say it's a birthday party, a lot of people feel obligated to bring gifts and I didn't want that vibe. Oh, yeah, speaking of vibe, my mom got me a new vaccuum cleaner!! (it's called the "Vibe," I'm not kidding, I just about laughed myself silly. Works great and at long last my rug is really clean.

Days in the Life

Just in case anybody thought I was being too hard on my boss, in the last week she kept up with the same routine. She snapped at me for no reason, tried to manipulate me into working more hours, and once again had me make calls to clients that she had alienated. (looking at this written down it seems so minor. I wonder, am I overreacting? NO!! She's a wretch, there just aren't words for it.)

My favorite was the morning she was walking her dogs and saw me in the coffee shop getting tea before work. She waited outside until I came out, and then asked if I wanted to walk around the block with her. Uh, no! How like her to put me in that awkward position. So I told her thanks, but I needed to get to work.

Good news on the job front: Tricia, my upstairs neighbor, has said that she can get me a temp job at her work, the Wright Institute, starting Dec 1. Hopefully this will give me a little breather so I can find a good permanent position somewhere.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho

Monday morning & I'm about to take off for work again. I have a headache.

Things have been a little tense at the office since I put in my notice. I absolutely dread going there, but I gave my word that I would, so I'm a little stuck. SA (my soon to be ex-boss) has been tiptoing around all last week, but I suspect that over the weekend she will have come up with some new bitchy shit to pull.

That's ok, I'm ready for it.

Let's see what transpires.

Troll Girl Quit Job

I quit my job today, yay!!! Not only that, but I got really mad at my boss right in her face and told her off. Hardcore.

Did I mention that this Sunday when I was doing the reading for my anxiety class, I read the wrong chapter? I was supposed to read the one on feeeeeeeeeeelings, but instead I read the one on assertiveness. Oops.

I could get into a detailed analysis of all the ways my boss sucks, but instead I'll just say that she is a blamer who sets her employees up for constant failure. And she's a bully. And she snaps at a person out of the blue like some skanky wrinkled crocodile.

So I read her the riot act. Then, out of the kindness of my very forgiving heart, I condescended to give her 2 weeks notice so she can find some other sap to take the position. Then my coworker arrived on the rather tense scene and I announced that I needed to take a walk (by that time I was really quite upset).

"That's a good idea, let's do that," replied my boss, and she started to follow me out!

So I turned and looked at her and said, "No, not with you. I need to take a walk by myself."

And she sort of stumbled backwards and said of course, of course, that's what she meant. Which was kind of funny.

Then I took a walk up the street, so pissed off I was crying. Which is good, because I love to cry in public.

I am very glad I quit my job.

Fluke Update & Other Momentous Events:

I have my fluke and have been playing it for about 2 weeks and I have to say that it is a dream come true: it's easy to play, the sound is everything I could ask for, plus of course the cool flame motif.

I am practicing every day, and my improvement, though slow, is steady. In fact, I just started putting accompaniment to songs I have written, very fun. Also, I picked up this book on musical theory and chord-building for the ukulele, which after the first few pages is giving me a lot of good insight.

In other news:

• Bought a DVD on hip-hop and am learning how to get down.
• This morning I developed a twitch in the muscles beneath my left eye. Hope it does not indicate stroke or aneurism or anything...
• Watched the entire 1st season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the 1st seaon of Angel over the weekend. This could be an alternate explanation of the eye twitch.
• Attempted to talk to a guy on Friday and realized I don't know how.

Eye is twitching again, gotta go.

People will kick my trollish butt

I am hearing rumors of dissatisfaction in the ranks due to the fact that I haven't updated this blog in an aeon. Well, wait no more! I can fill you in on all the news right now.

Ok, so, the news:

News.

Yeah, there's gotta be something going on. Yeah.

I feel sleepy.

Flaming Fluke

Fluke! Fluke fluke fluke! Fluke fluke! I just ordered a fluke! I am so very excited!

I've been drooling over this little instrument for a couple of years now, and when I saw one in black with red flames, well, that was it. For those who don't know what a fluke is, it is a sort of ukulele with a triangular shape, made by this small company. The owner of the company makes the ukes. And flukes. And fleas. When I called, the owner's wife picked up the phone & we chatted for a little bit about ukes. Her brother, Jim Beloff, wrote the books I learned to play with.

My fluke won't look exactly like the picture because I'm getting a rosewood neck, so the neck will be red. (Rosewood is more scratch-resistant than the standard material they use, which is some kind of plastic composite. So when I decide I want to be louder, I can put on metal strings without ruining the instrument.)

Whoo hoo!!! I am such a dork, and I don't care.

Also, there are places to attach a strap if one wants, and I do want. Now I feel inspired to knit this pattern I found for a cool guitar strap. Like I said, dork.

Troll Boobs

Tonight I realized that for months or perhaps even years there has been a niggling little question floating around in the back of my head. It roams about and snivels quietly in odd corners, ignored by me because I just didn't want to think about it.

But still the question lingers, until finally today I was forced to acknowledge it: Why on earth do I wear a bra? I must be fucking crazy; why else would I don this torture device every day? I look better with one on, I tell myself. And I don't want people to watch my boobs jiggle (believe me, there is a lot of jiggling going on). And what of the shame should someone see my nipples through my shirt?

So let's balance that against the agony and shoulder aches from wearing bras. I don't mean a little, it hurts a lot, no joke. I think some of this is amplified by old injuries, but if I didn't wear a bra the pain would be much less. Like, ouch.

The thing is, I really like how I look with a bra on, I like my shape better. But what is wrong with me when I am bra-free? Maybe I should work on admiring my trollish shape just the way it is.

I have often thought that if we ever invent anti-gravitaional devices, one of the applications could be in women's undergarments-just turn on your gravitational brassiere and you can have perky breasts with no straps whatsoever. But since that hasn't happened yet, I did the next best thing; googled "comfortable bras" and ordered an all-cotton, no-underwire-having, genuine-made-by-a-women's-collective-in-Seattle UnBra. It'll take 3 weeks to get here, and I can't wait. The color: eggplant, because today I had some roasted eggplant salad at lunch and it was really really good.

Then I logged on to Victoria's Secret and purchased a Body by Victoria Demi Plunge bra with matching hip-hugger panties. I wanted periwinkle blue but of course they were out in my size, so I settled for Whisper Pink.

As a final note, the picture I included here of the lovely Rose may seem unrelated to the text of this entry; but look once again at how relaxed, elegant, and demure she looks--WITHOUT a bra.